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Online dating success means taking the time to fill out your profile!
This advice sounds ridiculously simple right? Yet, you may be surprised by how many people expect to find love online but don’t spend time filling out their profiles. I mean shit, if you can’t take 30 minutes to write something meaningful in a profile, how can I expect you to put in the required effort needed to make a relationship work? It’s pretty basic stuff. Here are some tips to getting the most out of your profile:
- Be positive, and paint a picture of the true you
Nobody likes a Debbie downer. So don’t lead with negative personal traits or rants about how dating is so difficult or how you’re recently divorced. Take some time to think about the best things about yourself. Do you have a passion for something or an interesting hobby? Do people tell you you’re really funny or that you have a unique sense of humor or a great smile? Feel free to talk yourself up but keep it realistic. There’s nothing more annoying than when someone goes on and on in their profile about how they are so passionate about health and fitness; but, when you meet them, they have a huge beer gut and want to go out for a double bacon cheeseburger. On the other hand, let’s say you’re a shorter guy who’s self-conscious about your height. My advice is to “own it.” Show your self-confidence with a funny comment about how you have an amazing center of gravity and can pull out some killer tricks on a surfboard or a snowboard…(only if it’s true of course). But overall, make sure your personality and best traits come through in your profile. Be uniquely you so that you stand out above the rest.
- Be sure to include a variety of photos representing the different sides of your life
See my previous post “Improving your profile for online dating success.” There, I provide plenty of guidelines for how to select the right pictures for your profile and how to avoid making a serious profile faux pas.
- Be clear and decisive about what you’re looking for in a mate
You don’t have to write a novel and identify every little thing you’re looking for. In fact, I’d encourage you to be open minded, especially about physical features like hair color, eye color, height, etc. Think about the top 4-5 personality traits you MUST have in a partner and write a paragraph explaining those. Make sure to give some detail. I cannot tell you how many profiles just say, “I’m looking for someone loyal and honest.” That doesn’t help me. No one reading that profile is going to think, “well, I guess I’m not a good match for him because I’m a lying cheater.” Instead, you could try saying something more descriptive like, “I’m looking for a free-spirited man with a sense of adventure who can make me laugh and knows how to treat a woman like a lady. Hopeless romantics preferred.” And then, if you have physical features you absolutely require, make sure to state that. If you have a thing for short/petite women, go ahead and state that. There’s no point wasting an amazon woman’s time either. Honestly, the more in detail you can get within a 4-10 line paragraph, the better results you will have.
I can’t reiterate it enough – you want to make your profile stand out. There are thousands of people dating online and after you read through 50 profiles, they all start to sound the same. First, try to negate this by coming up with a unique headline (please don’t use something cliché like “Mr. Right seeks Miss Right”). Then, drop a fun quote in your profile or tell us a quick, funny story or anecdote about you. I know this is an extreme example, but I recently read this profile that I just loved. It showed his sense of humor, wit and intelligence. Here’s a snip-it from his “about me” section: “…My floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. I balance, I weave, I dodge, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. What, you thought I was just another guy?” I mean, come on, right? It’s a little out there but he definitely had me smiling and I have to give him creativity points. After that intro, he wrote another, more serious paragraph about what he’s looking for. My point: be original, be witty, be confident and get noticed!
- Don’t Skip the general demographic profile questions
On websites like Match, E-Harmony and Plentyoffish, there are some general demographic questions asked that everyone can see on your profile IN ADDITION to the open ended questions. The questions range from Age, Height, Body Type, Ethnicity, Faith, Smoke, Drink, Wants Kids/Has Kids, Political View, Education, Pets, etc. Obviously, these are simple questions and yet some of the most basic important things to know when selecting a potential mate. So, just take the extra 5 minutes to answer these questions because they can be the difference between totally wasting your time with someone and totally finding the person you’ve been looking for.
Overall, in online dating as in life, the more you put into it, the more you get out of it. If you spend all of 10 minutes creating your profile, you obviously don’t care that much and won’t likely have success. Similarly, if you only check your profile once a week and chose not to correspond with people or respond to emails, then you are doing yourself and others a complete disservice. That’s not to say you have to be glued to your computer or smartphone checking your account every 15 minutes. My advice: commit to a few minutes of online dating per day to check your profile, respond to emails, search for new potential mates, rank your favorites and schedule dates. If you actually put some quality effort in, you’re sure to get some quality response out of it! Happy Dating!
Over the past 4 years, I’ve certainly done my fair share of online dating. In fact, I’ve probably scanned over 5,000 profiles of men throughout SoCal and have gone on over 100 first dates. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s how to narrow down the dating pool quickly so I don’t have to waste my time or theirs. First things first, let me give you all some advice on how to improve your online dating profile.
Online dating success means having GOOD PHOTOS!
The number of profile photos, variety and content of those photos is so important – it’s what first gets someone interested in contacting you. So, you’ve GOT to put your best foot forward by making your profile photo the very BEST recent photo of yourself. It should be a photo of only you and should focus on either 1) a close up of your face, if that’s your money maker, or 2) a full-length photo that was taken from a close enough distance such that viewers can clearly see your face. I even recommend selecting a few of your favorites and asking a close friend to weigh in on which photo represents your best work. I wouldn’t recommend making an underwear photo or a silly/goofy photo your profile picture. These pictures are distracting and often get skipped over when evaluating the mix of profiles bombarding your inbox.
In addition to your profile photo, you must upload at least 5-6 subsequent photos of yourself. Reason being, any old, ugly troll can get 1 or 2 decent/lucky photos, where the angle and lighting are just right so they look mysteriously attractive. Thus, make sure you post numerous photos. This way, your prospects know what you REALLY look like because there’s nothing worse than showing up to a date with an expectation of someone’s appearance and being completely disappointed because they didn’t accurately represent themself. If that happens, you are GUARANTEED to be going on ZERO second dates.
How to select which photos to post?
We’ve all heard the phrase, “a picture speaks a thousand words.” It’s true. In online shopping (oops…I mean, online dating) you are constantly being presented with new potential love interests and you cannot possibly read the details of every person’s profile. Thus, the easiest and fastest thing to do is snoop the photos and if you like what you see, then you read the profile. That being said, you need to tell the most well-rounded story of yourself in 6-8 photos. As a general rule, you can use these tips to help you create an interesting photo story:
- Include a close-up of your face without a hat or sunglasses
- Include a photo or two of you doing your favorite hobbies
- Include a photo with someone from your family or at least an important family member
- If you have an adorable pet, definitely include a photo of you with your pet
- If you’ve traveled somewhere amazing, post a photo of you in the midst of your travels
- Definitely include a photo or two of you with your friends in a social setting
Here are a few photos I’ve seen lately in men’s profiles that I think are right on the money in helping me get a better idea of who they are! Good job gentlemen!
 Gotta Love a Man with his dog, being adventurous and posing with his grandma!
And here are some tips for types of photos NEVER to post on your profile if you are trying to find a legitimate relationship:
- NEVER post photos of you with your ex or you with multiple bimbos/bros of the opposite sex
- Unless you are a serious alcoholic, make sure you don’t have a drink in your hand in every photo
- Do not post the typical self-portrait of you in the bathroom with only a towel wrapped around your waist (this one is for the dudes)
- Do not post 6 photos of scenery! I don’t care if the sunset is beautiful in Bali. I want to see what YOU look like!
- Ladies!!! I know we think our best photos are the ones of us in sexy Vegas dresses with our hair and makeup all done up perfectly; but, guys want to see the “every day you” too. So, make sure you have some un-glamorized photos on your profile (eg. Doing your favorite sport, at a family function, with your dog or your best friend’s kids, etc.)
- If you are going to post a photo of you with more than 2 other people and the photo is taken from afar, PLEASE indicate which person you are in the photo caption. Just say, “second from the right” or something to that effect so we know which person we’re supposed to be looking at.
Below I’ve included examples of HORRIBLE profile photos I’ve seen just THIS WEEK. Please refrain from photos of this nature or I will have to slap you…
 No one wants to see a photo of you from 30 years ago (when you were actually in shape), a pic of you on the toilet, your stupid lame tattoo or you pretending to be in a hip hop video...Seriously! I know all this information seems basic; but, believe me, if you follow my rules, you’ll be doing A LOT better with online dating or at least, you’ll give yourself a better chance of getting more profile views! I PROMISE!!
For those of us who’ve dabbled in online dating, it’s almost impossible to avoid the lure of a FREE dating site, right? Who doesn’t want to get something for nothing? But typically, what seems to be too good to be true, usually is…
Of course, there are certain benefits of using a free online dating site such as plentyoffish.com or Okcupid.com, which are the two site that I’ve entertained. Here is a quick list of the best reasons to use a free dating website:
- There are plenty of men/women to select from and they are always changing (adding/deleting profiles) since there isn’t a membership fee or time commitment
- Communication is open and I do mean OPEN! If you see someone you like, you can literally just message them immediately, via email or even via instant message. Plus, you can do open searches for a mate based on basic criteria, any time you want. That means, you usually cut to the chase and meet people in person a lot faster and a lot more often.
- It’s a great ego boost, especially for girls! Ladies, get ready to have your inbox bombarded with men trying to meet you!
- It’s a great opportunity to get out there and brush up on your dating skills. Whether you’re looking to get back in the game, meet new people, or find a relationship, it’s a low pressure, convenient way to make some new connections.
Ironically enough, some of the best things about using a free site are also the primary reasons why it’s so difficult to find a true relationship there. The casual approach it offers attracts many people who aren’t necessarily serious about finding a relationship and instead, I’ve found that the majority of people are half-heartedly looking for a temporary companion, a casual encounter or are just trying to stave off boredom in their lives. Not to mention all the people who use these sites as a crutch after a break up and just want a quick fling so they don’t have to deal with feelings of loneliness.
I’ve dated countless men from all types of dating sites. And I must say that although I’ve found many hot and sexy guys from the free sites, I’ve only met 1 or 2 that were even remotely boyfriend material. One of the most common and inappropriate things I’ve found on Free sites versus paid sites is how crass and overly sexual the men behave. You might not believe this; but, there is a high likelihood that if you decide to trade photos with a guy before you meet him in person, you are highly likely to receive a hard penis photo immediately after receiving a photo of him in front of his bathroom mirror wearing nothing but a towel…
So, how do you know if plentyoffish.com or other free dating sites are right for you?
If you are not necessarily looking for a serious relationship but would like to find a little companionship and entertainment, a free dating site is just the answer. You don’t need to dedicate too much time to meeting people as it tends to be a numbers game more than not. So, if you’re looking to get back in the dating scene and have some fun meeting new and different people, go ahead…give it a whirl! But, don’t be too disappointed if your “Mr. Right” turns in to nothing more than a short-term “Mr. Right Now.”
And just to make the evaluation process a little easier, I’ve developed a quick evaluation tool, so that you can decide, based on what’s most important to you, whether a free dating site would fit your needs. Take a peek at the Dating Considerations Grid below. I’ve placed the letter “X” in the cells where Plentyoffish.com and OKCupid.com best meets my top considerations for online dating.
 Free Dating Site Considerations
Match.com – You’d have to be living under a rock to be completely unfamiliar with Match.com. It’s probably the most popular dating website in the country and it’s reasonably priced at about $20 per month. There are certainly some great and not-so-great things about Match.com. Evaluating these should help you decide if it’s the right dating site for you.
Positive Aspects of Match.com
- It’s a fairly priced, subscription-based dating method which means people who try it are relatively serious about finding someone. And, because it’s not free, it weeds out some of the casual-encounter seeking riff raff.
- Match has been around for over 15 years. It’s trusted and isn’t so “scary” for new-comers because most of us know at least 1 person who has tried it and lived to tell the story.
- Match offers an open communication format so that you can search for matches freely, any time you like. This allows you the opportunity to chat with more people and date more often than closed communication sites like eharmony. In other words, you can communicate with as many people as you want whenever you want.
- The search functionality built-in to Match.com allows you to tailor your searches to your most important criteria such as distance, age, ethnicity, height, lifestyle preferences and common interests. This means you can literally shop for your perfect mate.
Challenges to Trying Match.com
- Almost every day, Match sends you a group of “daily matches.” Most of the time, it’s a complete mystery how these people could be matched to you because many of them don’t meet your criteria. In other words, the matching process they use is far less scientific and accurate than that of eharmony.com. Don’t get me wrong though, sometimes the matches are definitely worthwhile!
- It’s difficult to really get an idea who someone is from the profile requirements on Match. A lot of people only write a few lines about themselves and don’t spend much time creating a detailed profile. This makes it difficult to evaluate your compatibility and interest level in someone at first blush.
- If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t look that good “on paper,” you might struggle to find a meaningful connection on match.com. This is the blessing and curse of being able to SHOP for your mate, because you can literally specify your search down to: a man, between 5’9” and 6’4” who has blonde hair, blue eyes and a graduate degree. So, it might be a little tough for a 5’3” bald guy who works at dominos to find a decent girl online. Then again, sorry to say it, but it would probably be difficult for him to find a decent chick just about anywhere in SoCal.
- Match offers a feature called “winking.” Personally, I think winking is both creepy and a total cop-out because you can technically “wink” at someone to show interest instead of writing them a personal message in email format. This seems extremely lazy and passive to me; thus, many guys go this route in order to avoid putting in the effort needed to express real interest.
Overall, finding a mate online is basically like having a part-time job. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it takes time and effort to search through profiles, email back ‘n’ forth and make plans to meet for dates. If you are not committed to putting in the effort, you won’t get much out of it.
Personally, I’ve had great success on Match.com. I love the open communication format because I’ve been able to communicate with several men at one time and line up frequent dates. This way, your funnel of dating prospects is never empty and you always have something and someone to look forward to meeting. But just remember, it’s important to be patient and give it time. Don’t expect to find the love of your life in 1 month or even 3 months. My recommendation is to sign up for a 3-6 month membership so you can really give it a fair shot.
So, how do you know if Match.com is right for you?
If you are serious about dating and finding someone special, you’re willing to dedicate a few hours per week to the online dating process, you’re willing to spend a little bit of money and commit to 3-6 months of exploration, Match might just be right for you. Also, if you are very particular about your “must have” mate criteria (including location and physical traits) and would rather seek out or approach someone directly instead of waiting for them to be matched to you, then Match.com will likely be a GREAT fit for you!
And just to make the evaluation process a little easier, I’ve developed a quick evaluation tool, so that you can decide, based on what’s most important to you, whether Match.com would fit your needs. Take a peek at the Dating Considerations Grid below. I’ve placed the letter “X” in the cells where Match.com best meets my top considerations for online dating.
Eharmony.com – Eharmony is the most expensive of all the online sites and is also the most “scientific” in its approach. A one-month membership is $60 per month. A 6-month membership is $30 per month, or a 1-year membership is $20 per month. Eharmony evaluates you and your potential suitors on 29 dimensions of compatibility which means, you need to take an extensive personality survey that takes about an hour to complete. They ask you all kinds of seemingly random questions and through the survey; they come up with a formula for your dating success. This means that when you use eharmony, they send you matches based on your compatibility test. You cannot search for members and are only able to communicate with the men that eharmony matches you with. Unfortunately, you may only receive 1-5 matches per day and on occasion, you may receive 10-15 matches per day. Once you get a match that you’re interested in, you can start communication; but, they recommend you follow a specific process of communication and it goes like this:
Step 1: You send your potential guy 5 multiple choice questions from a pre-developed list eharmony provides
Step 2: He answers and sends back 5 multiple choice questions to you
Step 3: You answer his questions and send your “must haves” and “can’t stands” based on a pre-developed list of options eharmony provides
Step 4: He responds with his “must haves” and “can’t stands,” then he sends you 3 very poignant questions with open ended answers. They can come from a list or you can create your own. Example questions would be: What is your life’s dream that you hope will come true? What are you looking for in a relationship partner? Why did you join eharmony? What is your greatest life accomplishment so far? What are your best and worst traits?
Step 5: You answer his 3 questions, then send him your 3 questions.
Step 6: You now communicate via email, exchange numbers and eventually meet in person.
PLEASE NOTE: You can technically skip steps 1-5 by sending a “request to communicate via email,” and if he accepts, then you go directly to emailing. However, from my own experience, I’ve found that most people prefer to proceed with the recommended process because you actually get to know people on a deeper level.
As I mentioned, the great thing is that through eharmony’s extensive process, you really get to know someone’s inner most wants, dreams and desires before you even meet them. Think of it this way: If you met someone in your “real life,” it might take you weeks or even months to find out some of this deeper seeded, very important information. In essence, you can get a true sense of compatibility right from the start. And, because eharmony uses their scientific tool to match you with particular people, it takes a lot of the initial “work” of your plate because you are much more likely to have commonalities and similar interests than if you were just searching Match.com for someone based on age, height and proximity to your location.
The bad thing about eharmony is that this process tends to take an eternity. It’s quite possible that you could be communicating with a man for 3-4 weeks before you actually meet him. Maybe this sounds shocking; but honestly, it takes time to answer all those questions thoughtfully. So, it’s not something you can do on your iphone while pumping gas or picking up a Subway sandwich. The issue I found with the process is that you get sooooo excited about the guy based on everything you’ve read over the course of 2-3 weeks. Then, when you finally meet, a lot of times you find that you’re missing the chemistry you crave. It’s as if you’ve found the perfect person based on compatibility but there may not be any “fire” or strong attraction. In the same token though, if you DO have the attraction and chemistry upon meeting each other, you may have just found your soulmate!
So, how do you decide if eharmony is right for you?
In short, if you are serious about meeting a life companion, you really want a serious committed relationship, you are willing to be patient AND dedicate at least 1 hour a day (for 6 months) to finding your special someone, eharmony is a great dating option for you. And just to make it a little easier, I’ve developed a quick evaluation tool, so that you can decide, based on what’s most important to you, whether eharmony would work for you. Take a peek at the Dating Considerations Grid link below. I’ve placed the letter “X” in the cells where eharmony.com best meets my top considerations for online dating. Use this grid to decide if eharmony fits your needs.
Now that you’re willing to give online dating a try, it’s time to pick the right site to fit your needs. I’ve tried 3 very different yet well-known sites on several different occasions; so, in the next few posts, I’m going to break down the positives and negatives of various sites such as eHarmony.com, Match.com, and PlentyofFish.com. But first, you need to make sure you know what you are looking for AND you need to consider what your approach will be, including how much time you will commit to getting what you want.
Just as with everything in life, the more quality effort you put forth, the more rewards you will reap.
And because we aren’t all looking for the same things in love, not all dating websites are created equal. So, you need to seriously consider and make a decision upon the following key points before you sign up for an online dating site:
- What kind of relationship are you looking for? Do you want a long-term, serious committed relationship? Are you looking for a fun, yet casual dating relationship that might turn in to something serious down the line? Or are you seeking something non-committal? Maybe a little simple companionship here and there? Either way, it’s time to make some decisions.
- How much time can you dedicate to online dating? 1 hour a day? 1 hour a week? Come up with a legitimate estimate you know you can commit to.
- Are you worried about online dating being a financial burden? How much can you reasonably spend on 6 months of online dating? $60? $160? $0? Just remember: you get what you pay for.
- If you HAD TO CHOOSE between the two, decide whether it would be more important for you to:
- Find someone who fits your physical requirements (eg. Looks, body type, etc) OR…
- Find someone who fits your intellectual/emotional needs?
Considering the answers you’ve come up with for the 4 questions above, this will greatly help you determine which dating website is the most suitable to your personality and needs.
Some of you singles may be a little skeptical about online dating; so, I figure my first task is to convince you that it’s a totally legit form of dating and there’s really not much to be scared of. Normal, regular people date online every day and it’s really quite the norm these days. So, if it’s something you’ve considered before and just aren’t sure if it’s for you, do me a favor and answer the following 5 questions with a simple yes or no answer:
1) Have you been single for a while and feel totally ready to find love?
2) Do you have a hard time meeting new date-worthy people in your day-to-day life?
3) Even when you meet new people, do you find it difficult to initiate a serious dating relationship?
4) Do you know exactly what you’re looking for but have difficulty weeding out the good guys from the bad ones?
5) Do you enjoy online shopping?
Well, if you answered YES to any of those questions, you are not alone AND online dating might be just the answer to those challenges. Here’s why…
When you date online, you are essentially shopping for Mr. Right and who doesn’t like a good ole’ online shopping spree? You get to search them out, check them out, size them up and test their worthiness before even wasting your time meeting them in person!
If you’ve been single for a while, chances are you’ve probably dated several men and have learned what you are looking for and what you’re trying to avoid. But, if you don’t know what you’re looking for, my first suggestion is to sit down, seriously think about it and write down the things you absolutely need from a partner. If you don’t know what you want, you’ll never get it. I’m not talking about things like a 5 series BMW, six pack abs or perfectly manicured eyebrows. Those are just shallow things. Really think about the personality traits and values you need from a mate (eg. Integrity, loyalty, desire for a family, great sense of humor, goal oriented, passionate, etc). Once you’ve created your must-have list, you are almost ready to go! And lucky for you, with my tips and tricks, you can easily weed out the guys who don’t have what you’re looking for just by reading their profile and looking at their photos! It’s really pretty simple if you pay attention and trust your instincts. Also, be certain to think about what you have to offer someone else. What makes you different, unique and wonderful? For example, are you a dynamite cook? Do you have a hobby you are really passionate about and would like to share with your mate? Have you traveled the world and collected amazing stories and experiences or are you from a really interesting background or culture? It could be anything that makes you proud to be you. Be honest with yourself and give yourself the credit you deserve.
Now, once you’ve identified what you’re looking for in a mate and what you have to offer a mate, you now need to decide which online dating site is the best to suite your needs. But, if you still need convincing to make the online dating plunge, answer me this: can you remember the last time you met someone date-worthy in your life? Most of us use our everyday outlets to meet people which leaves us in the unfortunate circumstance of meeting men 1) at the gym, 2) at work or 3) at the bar. YIKES. All three of those sound like a big fat mistake waiting to happen. What online dating offers is the chance to meet men you would not usually meet in your everyday life. This is a fantastic opportunity because usually, these men are busy leading productive and fulfilling lives, which also means they don’t spend every waking hour doing shots of patron at their local dive bar. Instead, they are busy with their careers, having dinner with their family and friends and thus are struggling to find a great woman for just the same reasons you are struggling to find a wonderful man.
So, what are you waiting for? Carpe Diem ladies! If you want to find love…lets go out and GET IT!
I know I haven’t written in awhile…sorry about that. In spite of much dissent from my friends, I’ve made a conscious decision to stop writing about my wild, crazy and very unfortunate dating experiences; because…well, they seemed to be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of meeting horrible guys and having terrible dates. So, instead, I’m turning over a new leaf. For 2012, I decided to start doing some good in the world by sharing my wealth of knowledge with regard to dating (especially online dating) and help some of my home girls out. From now on, I’ll mostly be writing about best practices for online dating and how to have successful and positive dating experiences overall. Of course, I’ll be sprinkling in some stories from my own life so rest assured, there will be some entertainment along the way. Hope you enjoy!
Typically, I have no problem at all playing “wingman” for a friend, especially if the guy she likes has other cute potentials for me. This one particular evening, my girlfriend (we’ll fondly refer to her as “boobs” because that’s the first thing most people notice about this chick since she’s all of 4’11, 100 pounds with 10lb Double D’s) and I decided to go out and have some cocktails at 3Thirty3 in Newport Beach to check out the male talent. We really like this place because the crowd is a little more upscale, the bar is gorgeous, it’s right on the water, the espresso martinis are delicious and the men are a little older and more put together (eg. they don’t wear ripped jeans, high top black sneakers or Affliction t-shirts like the bro dudes in HB).
Well, around 10pm, Boobs gets a call from a guy she likes and it just so happens that he and his friends are at a bar right down the street. Since we weren’t really socializing with anyone at 3Thirty3, we decide to hop in her car and drive on over to the divey Irish Pub where these dudes were hanging out. I have to give Boobs credit because her dude was really cute, he seemed charming enough and he had a great smile. Unfortunately for me, I can’t say as much for his friends. Essentially, I get stuck talking to baldy, who is literally a red-haired, stocky, chain-smoker, with a 5-inch radius, shiny bald-spot smack-dab in the middle of his head. Honestly, there wasn’t even 1 hair on it. The funniest thing about it was that because I’m so short, I didn’t even notice for about an hour until he sat down, and let me tell you, I was completely mystified. What the hell was he thinking? Buzz or BIC your head buddy! Who wants a head full of leprechaun red-hair anyway? It wouldn’t be a big loss as far as I’m concerned. Or at least he could permanently affix a yamaka to it so no one has know. Ok Ok. Now, I know I’m being a little harsh because guys just can’t help it if they’re losing their hair at the young age of 27; but, the bottom line is, I just don’t give a shit. And whatever, judging a guy for being bald is just like guys judging me for being the short, rumpy girl. It’s not like I can grow 6 inches and have the body of a VS super model. You’ve just gotta do the best you can with what you’ve got and this guy seriously missed the mark.
Anyway, baldy and I get to talking; actually, we get to doing shots, which makes him seem cooler and cooler by the minute. We dance. We flirt. But by 1am, I am ready to get my happy, drunk ass home to my cozy bed – by myself. Well, since Boobs and her dude were pretty much making out in the corner of the bar all night, she had a different idea. She suggested that we head back to her guy’s house and since I didn’t have a car, nor was I sober enough to think or drive, I relented.
As soon as we got to his apartment, I regretted the decision and wished I had taken a cab home. Where the hell was I going to sleep? Baldy found a spot on the couch and in my drunken stupor, I agreed to snuggle on the couch with him. I mean, how bad could it be? It might actually be nice to spoon with someone, as long as he doesn’t get the “wrong idea.” So, I straight out told him that all I was interested in was a little spooning and that forking was totally out of the question. He laughed, seemed ok with it and I proceeded to fall immediately into a drunken sleep.
Several hours later, I wake up because I’m sweating profusely and my hip hurts from sleeping in such an awkward position. I reach behind me to adjust my shirt and jeans only to touch what feels like a limp, shriveled-up weiner. I jump up so fast you would’ve thought a blow horn went off in my ear. I turn around and there’s baldy, lying on the couch, fast asleep, pants pulled down to his knees, with his fat belly and tiny little weiner hanging out. EWWW!! That is the exact fat belly and miniature penis that has been spooning me all night?!?! I immediately freak out, smack his leg, tell him 5 times to pull up his fucking pants and ask him what the hell he thinks he’s doing? Of course, he’s in a drunken sleep and doesn’t even flinch; but, eventually I get him coherent enough to pull up his pants and cover than pitiful excuse for a penis. Oh, and ladies, if you were ever wondering if the carpet matches the curtains, it certainly does.
Seriously, what the hell was this guy thinking? Was he just hot and needed to air out his firecrotch? Was he trying to jack off in his sleep? Or was he just hoping that while I was sleeping, I would just happen to discover his weiner and decide I had to play with it? Talk about a typical horny bastard approach. At that moment, it was only 6:15 in the morning but I knew what I had to do – get out of the twilight zone. I went to wake up Boobs, told her I had to get home and I bee lined it out of that place as fast as I could and never looked back.
Would you believe it if I told you that baldy called me to go out on a date that very next week? Either he has some serious courage or he had no recollection of his ridiculous pants on the ground maneuver. Either way, I declined the offer and decided that I will no longer be tempted by a random cuddling proposition, no matter how harmless it seems because I have been forever damaged by baldy’s antics and of course, by his ruby pubes…
For any of you who know me well, you know that I’m very proud of my Midwestern roots. I’m always preaching about how men from Michigan are much sweeter, kinder, more trustworthy and respectful than the tool bags out here on the West Coast. So, whenever I find a single, sexy, Midwestern guy living here in California, I’m all about giving it the good ole college try.
A few months ago, I decided to go out with this guy from Michigan State who just moved out to Cali 2 months ago. He found me on facebook and it was cool because he remembered me from a party we met at several years ago. When I received the friend request, I scoped out his photos to find that he was surprisingly hotter than I remembered – great body (he literally has 12-pack abs), dark skin, dark hair, light eyes. Overall, YUMMY! So of course I wanted to meet this guy in person and see if there was any chemistry. Plus, I definitely know what it’s like to move to a new place, not have any family or friends nearby and have a genuine desire for companionship and ummm, maybe even a little action!!
12-pack and I spoke on the phone a few times over the course of 2 weeks and finally made plans for Sunday. But since I’m the planner-type, I told him to call me in the AM on Sunday to make specific plans for a time and place to meet. Well of course, the entire day went by without a peep from him and by 7pm, when I still hadn’t heard from him, I made plans with my girlfriends for dinner. Just as I was walking out the door at 8:30, he called to see if we were still going to meet up. WTF?! I told him flat out that I already made plans and that he was an idiot for not calling me earlier. Instead of doing the gentlemanly thing by apologizing and rescheduling, he proceeded to try and convince me that a late night rendezvous in his hot tub was exactly what I needed to finish off my weekend right. He must’ve thought I was the dumbest hoe alive. Who the hell has their first date in a hot tub? From my own experience, nothing redeemable happens in a hot tub, with a complete stranger, after 9pm, especially where there are cocktails and 12-pack abs involved. So, I turned him down for the 20th time and reminded him that he’d have to make advance, non-hot tub plans with me if he wanted to hang out.
A few days later, he called to schedule a date on Monday night after work. Of course, he didn’t have any ideas of what to do except another brilliant hot tub proposition; so, I suggested a much more mundane, PG, first date and we agreed to meet for a drink at The Auld Dubliner in Long Beach. I arrived first, sat down at a table and ordered a Blue Moon. When I saw him walk in, my jaw immediately dropped to the floor as I drooled over his fine ass. But, my elation over his tall, sporty, sun-kissed surfer bod was quickly squashed the minute he opened his mouth and revealed how ridiculously arrogant, stupid and offensive he was. His first comment after “Hey, what’s up?” was “Damn girl, that’s a NICE rack…and REAL too” as he shook his head, licked his lips and starred directly at my boobs. What the hell was I supposed to say to that anyway?
The next 40 minutes were more painful than a tonsillectomy. I pretty much pounded my 2 beers as quickly as possible in hopes of getting out of there without a breast exam from this boob obsessed horn-ball. To give him a teensy bit of credit, he did offer to walk me to my car since I was parked down a dark, mildly creepy street; but once again, he killed the kind gesture by reiterating that beers in his Jacuzzi would’ve been so much sexier and exciting. Thanks for stating the obvious genius but I wasn’t exactly looking for a steamy one-night-stand. If that’s what I had wanted, I would’ve spared him the pain of forced conversation and just got hammered Snookie-style and screwed him in the nearest parking lot.
And to top off this already ridiculous first date, when I dropped him off at his car and gave him a hug, he actually cupped my breast and pinched my nipple before trying to swoop in for the kiss. I was so grossed out, I couldn’t boot him out of my car fast enough. And surprisingly, over the next few weeks, he actually called me 3 more times to schedule a 2nd date hot tub rendez-vous. Damn…some guys will really do ANYTHING for a little nana…
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